Firus Envy

Questions with no answers.

The new day has offered little clarity to me. While my body has been alive for over two thousand years, my new state of mind is only a hundred years old. I feel like an entirely different person than who I use to be, though there are parts of my past that unfortunately I cannot ignore.

Love is almost a foreign concept to me. I was told by many of my ‘lovers’ that they loved me but the words never touched my heart. Without a soul all the heart is, is an organ that keeps blood pumping through a being. I never dreamed that anyone other than my priestess would love me. The love I had for her was just beginning to blossom, I lost her before I could explore the fleeings stirring in my heart.

When I met Sere love was the last thing on my mind. I found myself in a strange new world and I was not sure why. I took on three aliases and I used those disguises to learn about the world. Like with any world, my kind is not exactly welcome. Though I use “my kind” loosely because I am not sure what I am any more. That being said, I doubt that most people would believe that a demon of all creatures could be redeemed. So I charmed people, shared stories and tales and learned about this world but I never befriended anyone. It was too dangerous to take that risk.

That is until I heard of an organization called the Knights of Old. From what I have seen and heard they believe in goodness and protecting the lands and being kind and fair. This is what I strive to be now. I want to be a good person, I want to become the being that my priestess envisioned. My hope is that I continue to good deeds and help those I come across, all the demonic blood inside of my will change and I will be a truly good being. I ran into Sere and Gaz while I was trying to discover more information on the Knights of Old. They were holding a ceremony to celebrate the end of a pilgrimage.

I wasn’t fond of either of them at first. Gaz is a glowing green being that is literally an angel sent from the celestial planes to protect Sere. Needless to say I was nervous around him because our kind are mortal enemies. Sere..I’ve never seen a creature like her before. Her hair looks like it is made of flames because of the brilliant colors in it and how soft and free flowing it is. Her skin is even darker than my own, it is a dark charcoal color, and the warmth of her skin..ah, I didn’t notice how warm it was until the other evening. I didn’t have a chance to take in her looks, I was too distracted by the poor attitude she had. She was not very sociable and her words could be less than kind. Though I wasn’t exactly that charming myself. I was in my old man disguise and on more than one occasion I was called creepy. Some how I won them over or at least they were willing to let me help on one of their Knights of Old adventures.

To make a long story short; I revealed my true form to them, we fought our way out of an arena, stumbled upon an ancient laboratory, and we set free an ancient evil. Whoops. We informed one of the higher ups in the Knights of Old about what had happened and we lead a task force to the arena we fought in. Originally we were lured there under the guise that the dock it was in was holding a private party for the Knights of Old. Needless to say, that wasn’t the case. There was lots of fighting and brave heroics and we were victorious.

That was one of two battles we engaged in, almost back to back. During that time Sere start to trust me more and we had a couple of heart-to-hearts. I found myself enjoying her company more and more and we even danced together at one of the celebration and started to communicate with each other via my telepathy. Things were going great until we came across Carlita, who is the sorceress we set free. Though now I think that the actual Carlita was being used a vessel for some greater evil power. After we defeated the sorceress hench man, my allies tracked her down to an alley. I wasn’t there at the time because I was trying to raise the morale of the villagers who had recently lost their homes and loved ones (When we left the arena and stepped outside, we found the village in chaos. It was being attacked by trolls). Sere was off looting the bodies of the dead! And to make things worse, when I caught up to them she was screaming and yelling at this frightened woman who was shaking on the ground and she was curled up. A few kind words on my part was all it took to comfort her. I lead her to the Inn and asked the Knights of Old to look after her. I can understand why Gaz and Sere were not kind at first, the woman was none other than Carlita. I detected good on her and she gave off the aura of someone who is kind and good.

I cannot recall entirely what was said next but at some point I ended up getting into an argument with Gaz and Sere. I think it was because I criticized their approach and Gaz pointed out my past and struck a raw nerve with me. I told them that I was done and I went to leave them to their business. I did not get very far..I took no more than 40 steps and I walked into an invisible wall. I could sense magic in the air and when I honed in on it I discovered that the two of us are now soul bonded!

The next morning Sere and I were walking to the market place and she suddenly whirled around and informed me that just because there was some bond forged between us; she was not going to do whatever I wanted. I told her that I was not about to let her chaotic nature taint my soul. I had worked too hard to leave behind the monster I once was. I was surprised to see hurt in her eyes and even though my redemption is something I am very passionate about, the hurt in her eyes was enough to fan the flames building inside of me. I apologized and I opened up to her and she opened up to me as well. I don’t know what came over me but I saw her look at me with eyes of adoration and I reached over to touch her cheek. Suddenly she was crying and she tried to run away from me. Poor Sere, she forgot about the invisible wall that was create because of our bond and she slammed into it and crumpled to the ground. I quickly ran over to her side and scooped her up in my arms. She was a mess of emotions and I couldn’t understand a word that she spoke. So I used a calming emotion spell to help soothe her wild emotion. It worked and suddenly the two of us realized how close we were to each other.

I was a fool and I had to know right then and there if the adoration I saw in her eyes was real. I told her that I would not hurt her, that I would not play games with her..and then I kissed her. It was like nothing I had ever experienced person. There was rush of warmth that flooded my body and her lips tasted so sweet, I couldn’t help myself. I wanted more, so much more. And the passion behind her kiss told me that she too wanted more. The two of us found an abandoned home that was still smoldering from the previous evenings attack. At the time I did not think it was very romantic but now that I think about it; she’s a fire elf. It probably reminded her of home. Out of everything that happened next, two things truly surprised me. One was when she asked me to be in my true form. She did not want to make love to me in the handsome human form that so many women desire and wish to bed; she wanted the demon. I hesitated for a long time but her words were so loving and genuine that I shifted to my true form. I can still feel her soft caresses on my wings, my entire body shivered.

The world has never been more alive to me than it was when our limbs were tangled in each others and my lips explored all of her heated skin. The colors seemed so much more vibrant and the emotions and sensations that ran through me were intensified by ten fold. It was like living in another plane of existence all together. I felt like I could spend an eternity in that little burned down room and I would live an eternity of bliss. But sadly I am still trying to comprehend my emotions and I was not expecting her to say what she said next. Her head was in my chest and in a very soft, very small voice, she told me that she loved me.

And I panicked. Oh gods, how I panicked. A thousand anxious thoughts rushed through my mind and I stupidly told her that we should probably head back. I could see the pain in her eyes, I could feel the walls that I had torn down rebuild themselves around her. She told me thank you and then she left and returned to the others.

Could this be love? Could the feelings I have inside of me be just that? I don’t know what to think. I am afraid that the feelings are being created by the bond the two of us share and once it’s gone, she will go back to seeing me as a creepy monster. I am also afraid that my priestess will see this as a betrayal. Love is suppose to last for a life time and extend to the heavens, isn’t it? If I love someone else, am I betraying her? Am I dishonoring my memory? I have so many questions and no answers. And the only person I could talk to about this is the one person I can’t talk to about all of this.

Siiigh. I need to figure this out soon. Normally when I am writing I feel jovial and I like to throw in some humor but now if it was not for the guilt I feel; I would feel empty.



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